When Arabic comes through the English channel the UN delegates lose all composure and mayhem ensues! Laughter. Excitement. Loud and childlike chatter that arises in a third grade class when the teacher’s boyfriend knocks at the door, or Sheldon lets out an armpit fart. It’s a crazy time when the channels get crossed and the Chairman bangs his little mallot and interrupts the meeting in his very charming New Zealand accent, “Uh, excuse me distinguished colleagues. Does anyone else hear Arabic on the English Channel? May I request that the technicians look into this problem. I suspend the meeting until further notice.”
It is also a crazy time when delegates, after a long day of tedious deliberations, are invited to unwind at a reception hosted by Finland one night, by New Zealand another, Costa Rica a third and Argentina a fourth. Really, no one discriminates. Yes, I even forced myself to taste a Merlot on Tuesday night. In fact, I had no c
hoice but to drink it and keep drinking it all night long. The beauty of the United Nations is that, with the objective of international cooperation, all delegates will go to all receptions no matter which wine is being served. And they will drink it and they will pretend to love it. It is purely altruistic, purely diplomatic and rather self-sacrificial.
Diplomacy is hard work. The diplomat must always retain composure and grace under duress, whether it be political tension, personal attacks or severe intoxication. I witnessed one such moment of shining diplomacy at the Finnish reception on Wednesday night. The distinguished representative of an EU state dragged himself out to this reception out of an obligation to stand united under the European banner. You see, Finland currently holds the chair of the European Union at the UN and so the EU states must be seen as a cohesive unit, willing to compromise on ideologies and positions in order to speak as one unified voice via the Finnish proxy.
So this distinguished delegate is sipping glass after glass of wine–white, red, rose, whatever is handed to him, to show support for his regional political association. In the midst of this sacrificial time for him, he catches a glimpse of a beautiful young woman from across the large reception hall. She catches his attention because, as opposed to all the other composed people in the room, her laugh is boisterous and her gesticulations are grandiose.
As a charming and refined diplomat, he fancies himself capable of wooing her by delivering her a glass of wine. Little does he know that this woman, although younger and less diplomatic than he, is well aware that the wine is free, and so this gesture, although appreciated, was not quite enough to convince her of this man’s worth.
Playful intellectual and political banter ensues between the two of them. Thinking she would find his experience captivating, he gives her tips on diplomacy and composure. He, twenty years her senior, thinks he holds some older-man mystique. She, however, just finds his sly advances amusing. After much too short a period of time, through his eclectic European accent and in what he hopes will come across as iambic pentametre, he tells her that “despite her young age”, he finds her unbearably beautiful and intriguing. She plays along because, well, why not. She is thoroughly amused.
Then he says, “Is there anyone behind me?”
She says, “No”.
His neck, like a chicken’s, shoots forward in an effort to allow his lips to land atop hers.
Despite her age, however, she had preempted this attack and casually moved her head back well before contact could be made.
The diplomat, not accustomed to stumbling, loses all balance, physical and emotional, spills his wine on the carpet and turns red. Trying to regain his composure, he says to the young woman with a crackle in his voice, “Why did you just cause that scene? Allowing me to kiss you would have been much more discreet than this!”
“Ah yes,” she replies, “But you, distinguished colleague, failed to react diplomatically to this contingency and so, despite your age, you have come across as inexperienced and foolish.”
